A M A D C Y B E R V I S I T T O A M E R I C A O N H O L D

Steve Nutcase, you're the President of America Onhold and --

Wait a sec! Lemme turn the meter on!

You're charging us $2.95 an hour to interview you?!?

No, no -- I'm kidding! I only keep this around as a souvenir of the Good Ol' Days!

Huh? The Good Ol' Days?

Yeah, the Good Ol' Days before December '96 when we had to switch to these flat rates -- all because of some nasty rumor that our subscribers were unhappy paying $2.95 an hour!

Who was spreading a rumor like that?

Probably the couple hundred thousand of 'em quitting the service every month!



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Let's see, you've got plans costing $$4.95 $.9.95, $19.95... Am I leaving anything out?

Nah! I had an idea for a deluxe $39.95 plan, but my lawyers said I'd never get "Double Unlimited Hours" past the consumer fraud watchdogs!

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What's the difference between the Internet and America Onhold?

Well, if the Internet is the "Information Superhighway," we're the "Information One-Lane Dirt Road with a Toll Booth every 200 yards!"



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If that's the case, how does America Onhold get any subscribers at all?!

Because the dopes in charge of the Internet made it so confusing and complicated that the average PC user thinks we're a good deal! Poor Computer-Illiterate Schmucks!



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C'mon, you two -- let's dive into CyberSpace and I'll show you the exciting world of America OnHold!

Geesh! you call this "exciting?"

Absolutely! This loser is paying me $19.95 a month to check a sports score he could get for free by just clicking on a radio! I'm so excited, I'm almost peeing in my pants

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Do you have any problems with hackers, flamers, spammers and other troublemakers?

No problem whatsoever! As long as they pay their $19.95 a month like everyone else!



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Aren't you worried about hackers like Kevin Mitnick, who allegedly stole 20,000 credit card numbers from one of your competitors' databases?

Psssh! My subscribers' card numbers are accessible to someone far more dangerous than him!

You're kidding! who could that be?

ME!!



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That brings up the fact that your billing practices are being investigated by the Federal Government!

Government investigations?! HA! If they couldn't nail the Clintons, they'll never get me!



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What about the class action suit by subscribers claiming that you overcharged them?

I've settled that! Each of the plaintiffs got one free hour of America Onhold!

What a deal! You "give" them something that costs you nothing!--

Plus I get to keep all the money I originally overcharged! Is our legal system the greatest or what?

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